He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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