I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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