i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
