She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
