I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize