..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
