My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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