I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
