Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
two words...techno handjob
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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