...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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