Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
