:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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