I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
