so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
