My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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