Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
