I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
