Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize