Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
