Tell her she can't have a vagina
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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