Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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