How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
