turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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