dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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