Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
