I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
