proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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