I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Randomize
