We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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