i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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