FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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