The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I am spending my child support on dildos
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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