You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
