This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
