Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
