Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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