kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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