We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
