I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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