I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Just pee around me
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
