if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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