I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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