Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Reggie can tackle my bush.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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