My room smells like vodka and shame
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
