I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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