I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
