Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize