Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
