Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
