Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
