I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
