someone get that fucking seahorse.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
