I think i peed on brittanys purse
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
the liver wants what the liver wants
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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