A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
