cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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