So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
