I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
