sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
