Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize