she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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