After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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