There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
