Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
