Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
