I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize