The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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