We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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