I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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