I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize