My nipple is on Facebook.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
